Fill in the blank: I don’t want to tell my child ____________________. He is adopted. She was created with donor egg. They were carried by a gestational surrogate.
Parents via adoption, egg or sperm donation, and surrogacy must confront how they will discuss their children’s origins. Some are reluctant, as seen in this conversation I had with a family this week.
“I am not going tell my child he or she is adopted,” proclaimed the prospective adoptive father.
“You will not be approved as an adoptive parent in a homestudy if you are not willing to be honest with your child about the adoption,” I countered.
“Oh, I will tell the social worker what she wants to hear, but what I do in private is my own business,” he admitted.
The Age of Transparency in adoption and assisted reproduction has dawned. Not only is secrecy impossible, our children have taught us that it is wrong.
“The possibility that your 18-year-old will discover his background with a home DNA kit like 23andMe is substantial. If you have not disclosed the adoption, your child will feel that you have perpetrated a lie. Despite your fear, being open about the adoption will not make you less of a parent. The deep bonds you create with your child will create an unbreakable relationship that transcends biology,” I rejoined.
My client had to admit to the practical reality of easy genetic testing and disclosure of birth parent identity, despite his desire to keep the adoption a secret.
The Age of Transparency in adoption and assisted reproduction has dawned. Not only is secrecy impossible, our children have taught us that it is wrong. For several decades, adoptions have been open, as the research has shown the importance to adoptees’ wellbeing of providing them with their birth parents’ identity, background information and medical history. In sperm and egg donation as well, donor-conceived children are vocal in demanding access to knowledge of their biological parents and expressing heartbreak if they have not been told of their origins.
Contrary to my reluctant client’s fears, being honest with children about how they were created deepens their relationships with their parents and is important to their sense of self.
I truly LOVE this blog post. I can honestly tell you that we celebrate our son’s adoption because we feel that we have ALL been blessed in it. As he grows into a fine young man, he knows that we are truly grateful and honored that HE is the one that was brought into our lives. We don’t take that precious gift for granted one minute. We also honor the true, committed love his birth mother gave him and us as well. I also agree that the deep bonds we have created by being open and honest, even during the tough stages when he had a lot of why questions about being adopted, will continue to deepen during his challenging times as a teenager. I know he knows he can turn to us for advice with our honesty and sincerity for his best interests.
You did this potential adoptive parent a huge favor but sharing what he truly would/could be missing out on.
What a beautiful expression of commitment to openness in adoption! Thanks so much!