Every year I am on the verge of tears during the week leading up to Mother’s Day. Watching alluring commercials pitch presents for serene mothers and their perfectly behaved kids gets me started. But my eyes really well up when The Today Show (which I not so jokingly call “my primary source of information”) features inspirational tributes from grateful children to their selfless moms. And this year, being in lockdown in my New York City apartment during the cruel COVID-19 pandemic has heightened all of my emotions.

I suspect that I am not alone in my ambivalence about Mother’s Day,  but I can say without hesitation that nothing in life compares to being a mother, whatever path leads us to parenthood.

Are my feelings unlocked because my road to becoming a parent was so difficult? The imagery of beaming mothers and children does remind me of the painful years of infertility my husband and I suffered. I vividly remember the Mother’s Day celebrations with our families when we were “the childless ones.” Yet I can say without ambivalence that becoming an adoptive mother erased the devastation of infertility for me.  Adoption became my life and my life’s work.

Or is the root of my raw reaction to Mother’s Day a bit of imposter syndrome? As an adoption attorney, I was very open—even provocative—with my kids about how we became a family, and I am proud of how positive they feel about their adoptions. My younger son and I shared an unforgettable drive home from college when a birth mother phoned me to discuss making an adoption plan for her soon-to-be-born baby. I motioned for him to take notes on the conversation while I kept my hands on the steering wheel and interviewed her. When the call ended, he turned to me with a bittersweet look and commented: “Mom, she is my age.” I know that I am a loving, devoted mother and my sons are fine, caring young men who love my husband and me. Yet my husband, my sons, and I are far from the the images of perfectly-put-together families bombarding us this week.

I suspect that I am not alone in my ambivalence about Mother’s Day, but I can say without hesitation that nothing in life compares to being a mother, whatever path leads us to parenthood.